Sadder but wiser, again

Not surprisingly, I didn't sleep well last night. I'm tired and heartsick and feel like complete crap. But of course life goes on and work continues.

Apparently I am more my father’s son than I want to admit. My affection comes with an unrealistic expectation of fealty. I am guilty of consistently over-estimating my importance in the lives of others, and apparently I have done it again.

I can remember once, when I was new to my position with Gates, giving a seminar about collections and how it works. I asked one of my agency guys to come up from Atlanta to help answer questions. Since I field frequent questions from co-workers about my job, I assumed that the people I work with would be interested and appreciative. I can still remember how I felt when I read the vicious, horrible responses on the confidential comment surveys when they came back. When I mentioned this to a friend, she said "Well of course they hated it, Steve. You dragged the cows from their desks, bombarded them with information, interrupted their breaks, and made them think. Of course they hated your guts." I had thought the whole thing went beautifully. I had thought my peers liked and respected me. I had walked straight over a cliff like Wyle E. Coyote.

That's how I feel today - as if the shadow of the big rock just gets bigger and bigger, and my former safety net is in fact a tiny umbrella. Since Michael left, I have consoled myself with the thought that I am a rich man in the ways that really matter. I never really minded not being that close to most of my family because I had such a large "family of friends". I thought I had a strong network of people who truly cared for me - people I could count on if I needed them. I now realize just how few people like that I know.

I have a wide circle of acquaintance and a number of places where I am welcome. I can certainly hunt up a party or something to do pretty much any time I want. But it is brought home to me now how tenuous my ties are with my friends. So long as I am entertaining and charming and cook well, I can count on that circle of acquaintance. But if I truly need someone, there are very few people I can really count on. I suppose it is better that I know this. But like most home truths, it is knowledge painfully won.

I’m not sure what to do with it. Do I allow this to affect my present friendships? Do I withdraw to spend my time with the few people I know who are what I thought they were? Or do I continue as before, pushing this truth to the back of my mind to once again live in a fool’s paradise? Right now, my old life feels like a waste of time. I don’t know that I can go back to it with this perception so at the forefront of my mind, and I really don’t want to. I want to crawl in a hole and pull it in after me.

Nothing works

The exchanges just continued. Nothing I said or read made me feel any better, until I was just met with silence.

I feel hurt and bruised, like I've been beaten up from the inside out.

All I want to do is bury myself in a book until it all goes away. Which I guess it will now. So that's what I'm going to do.

The gloves come off

Well I'm scrapping with a friend, and feeling terrible about it. Holding back has never been my strong suit, and I've been biting back words on a new boyfriend situation. He could of course tell. Since he met said new boyfriend, the guy has devoured my friend's life and occupied his every waking thought for weeks. I suppose it's natural. He's young and the guy is gorgeous. I know I was that way in my 20's at times. It never ended happily for me.

Every time I have had that huge rush, it has been like going over a waterfall. Incredibly exhilarating until you hit the rocks. Apparently this perspective is neither appreciated nor wanted. I can understand that too.

I have to figure out how much of this is me, and how much is him. He of course doesn't want to hear any inkling that this will not turn out well. I can understand that. I have never been the type to float along with my fingers in my ears, but I know that many do. And I truly wouldn't want to interfere with his happiness, but something in my nature just can't help but point out the clouds on the horizon, however fleetingly. I can't decide if this is selfishness or altruism. I would rather scope out and anticipate problems, but everyone isn't me. Those pointers have been met with an incredibly defensive and aggressive response.

From my side, having this surgery has really been kind of an eye-opener for me. Some people I thought were good friends didn't even bother to check on me. That has hurt my feelings, but I can't take that hurt and pile it all on this one friend, even though he has hurt my feelings too. I knew the new boyfriend would consume him if things worked out, and they have. So that is nothing I shouldn't have expected.

Am I too old to have a friend in his 20's? Maybe I just don't have the patience for it. I have treated this guy as a contemporary when he isn't. I have been expecting him to awake to a perspective it has taken me twice as long to achieve, which is just unrealistic and unfair. In some ways, he is remarkably mature, which may be why I have had such expectations. But of course in some ways he isn't, which is perfectly natural.

How much of this is my own lonliness? Being the only single person adrift in a world of couples is something I feel more keenly of late, and watching watching these two play happy-snuggle-bunny-couple has kind of rubbed my face in that, but that isn't really their fault. I feel like a woman who has lost a child, and chosen to spend her spare time in maternity ward. Everyone else seems to be celebrating something I am mourning the loss of. So I understand that I am overly sensitive to some things at the moment.

I guess I feel like a lot of my friends have let me down lately, but he isn't the only one.

Maybe I am bitter. Or maybe I just need people around me now who are a bit more constant. Or at least not obnoxiously coupled.

I definitely over-did it this weekend

I woke up this morning tired, and felt drug out all day today. It was a great weekend, but I'm paying for it.

I was sleepy all day at work today. After work, I went to the East China Buffet because for some reason, I just Could No Longer Live without some of their coconut shrimp. Russ took me over there, and now I'm hooked. They're not even that good. They must put crack in the sauce or something. Anyway, I didn't have a lot of food at the house anyway, and didn't feel like cooking, so that worked out.

After eating a painful amount, I went home and finished the first I have read of yet another Charlaine Harris series A Bone to Pick, which is from her Aurora Teagarden series. Not the most spellbinding of mysteries, but a good read nonetheless.

Then it was lights out.

Well today I had to go home*

As much as I enjoyed the weekend, I had to go home today. I got up intending to head out early. Apparently I have overdone it more than I realized this weekend, despite the naps. I felt really drug out and tired.

But then Lee suggested I hang out and go shopping. I love to go shopping with Lee. Not only does it take me back and renew our bond - we've been shopping together for about 20 years now - Lee is fabulous shopping luck. He just seems to always know where the good deals are. Plus, I really didn't want to go home anyway, and this was a good way to prolong the weekend.

I got two pairs of cool camoflage lounge pants for about $2.15 each, a ball whisk I have been looking for for several years for $10, and a really cool zip up jacket that had been marked down from $98 to $25. It was a good shopping day. We looked at a new quilted bedspread for my bed on a super deal, but it wasn't machine-washable, and that is just a must for any new bed linens I buy. The cats spend so much time on the bed that I need to be able to wash my new bed cover. Lee got some new napkin rings to add to his collection at a really good price.

We weren't at the mall that long, but I was really wiped. When we got back to his place, I had a bit of lunch, and just felt like weights were hanging off of me. There was no way I could have done the drive home. I lay down on the sofa and took a bit of a nap, and felt much better when I woke up. Clayton reports that I wasn't snoring either - BONUS.

I made the drive home, ran a few errands, and got settled back in. Fortunately, I have some lunches ready for this week, so I don't have to cook tonight. I watched the usual Sunday-night lineup while watering plants, eating dinner, and getting ready for bed, and then turned in. I am really worn out, despite the nap.

The dinner party

The table. Set with fresh-cut hydrangeas from the yard. Note my baked beans and potato salad are already on the table.

Was lovely. Lee decided to use the Fiestawear, rather than the china, since this was a cookout, and less formal occasion. My baked beans turned out great, and were a big hit. I was disappointed in the potato salad, although it was complimented. I should have tasted it myself this afternoon. I think it could have used more dressing. Lee sets a beautiful table.

Marvin came, flirted outrageously (in response to my own, admittedly outrageous flirting), and then left as usual. He is a cute guy, but I guess nothing will ever come of it. He seems to have an overly responsible guilt complex about letting his mother watch the children (he has two cousins he brought into the country and has custody of), and even if I did want to start a long-distance dating thing (which I really don't), it doesn't seem like we would ever see each other. Apparently he has just decided to be celibate until the children move out.

Lee and Clayton's friend Daniel came. I like Daniel, who unfortunately typifies a certain type of gay stereotype, for whom a fetish seems more important than a genuine partnership. He likes young and Asian men, and if there are none interested, he doesn't seem to want to go out at all. So he has a young Asian guy he is seeing right now, but there is expressly no commitment between them. At 48 (even a good-looking and youthful 48), you can only cling to a stereotype like that for so long, unless you are willing to enter into a more mecenary type of relationship, or are very very lucky. Thus far, Daniel hasn't been that lucky. It was hard to get a read on this new guy though, since he barely said 15 words through the whole evening. He came in late, snuggled up with Daniel, and basically went to sleep.

The conversation was pretty good, for the most part, although Clayton insisted on interrupting the flow to turn on the television at 10pm. Apparently Graham Norton takes precedence over any other activity (he was going to change it from a movie we were watching last night for the show, but for some reason it wasn't on). No one else seemed to think this was strange, so I guess I just don't get it. I would never think of having a dinner party and turning on the television to watch a show rather than converse with my guests. But then I'm not really as involved with television as most people are, so I guess I'm the odd one out. The show was entertaining enough, I guess, if you like that type of thing. Since I only knew who one of the celebrity guests were, and I wasn't really interested in him, it was of limited interest to me. I feel an increasing gulf between myself and the pop culture society in which I live. It isn't just with Lee and Clayton. Russ and Billy follow all that stuff too. I just usually can't bring myself to care much about it. It doesn't seem that interesting or important to me most of the time.

I really liked the other couple that were there. One of them smokes, so we could go outside to smoke and talk together. They are very, very happy together, so they are very lucky. They've been together for 7 years, and apparently the honeymoon still isn't over. I'm happy for them, but happy people generally don't have that much to talk about. They are ensconced in cream-cheese suburbia, joined at the hip, and very content that way. Good for them. I guess I just didn't have enough to relate to with them. Really nice guys though.

So it was an enjoyable evening. It was nice to have people in, since I rarely do so at home. I love cooking for people too, so since Lee and Clayton have the room to enteratain that I don't, I like cooking for their guests, and for them.

Another lovely Charlotte day

Monkey stirrup spout vessel. Vessels such as these were apparently used as ceremonial drinking vessels for alcohol or blood.

Today we went to the Mint Museum of Art in Charlotte. I had looked them up online, and they had a collection of antique American cut glass on display. Not only perfect for the 4th weekend, but pretty much tailor-made for yours truly. They didn't have a huge collection on display (it was a traveling exhibit), but what they did have was exquisite. Lots of Bohemian-inspired glass mixed in for color too.

They had a very nice collection of newer paintings which I wish we had had more time to spend viewing. We spent too much time in the excellent South and Central American collections they had going back before the Spanish Colonial period, set up by region and roughly in chronological order. Fascinating.

We also spent a good amount of time in the china and porcelain exhibit. The antique china was fairly extensive, and Lee loves dishes as much as I do, although I like old dishes and he seems to skew towards new stuff. He and Clayton have traveled enough that he has a perspective on the influences from different regions that I don't.

After the glass and dishes, we did the fashion exhibit, which was interesting, but too much modern stuff for my taste, although they did have some lovely things. By that time, I was flagging a bit after getting relatively little sleep last night, and I still had beans to make. We stopped off at Fresh Market for fresh flowers for tonight, and to pick up some lunch. I had my favorite lunch, Fresh Market pimento cheese with crostini and tomato.

After that, I took a nap that I apparently needed, sleeping about two hours. I had another very vivid dream involving a street festival and a ne'er-do-well boyfriend. I don't know where all that is coming from. Street festivals have been on my mind since I read about the madness they were putting together in downtown Greenville this weekend. Then I got up and put my beans together. They look lovely. We tasted the potato salad too, and it is good. So I've had a good weekend in the kitchen, as long as I don't burn my beans.

The guests are coming 6ish, and Marvin will be here. I'm thinking I probably don't have to worry about whether or not I have onion on my burger, but hope springs eternal....