Quiet day at work. Tonight was a good night. Sweet Justin came over for supper and to hang out. I showed him the movie "Before Stonewall", which I think every young gay person should see, and straight ones too for that matter. It is so empowering to know your roots - to know where you come from, and what it took to get you where you are today. We spend so much time as gay people being "other", and there are so many times you feel that you are alone. It's nice to know that the ones who came before were so brave and admirable.

Although Harry Hay was edited, I'm sure, to keep his later disputes with the GLBT movement off the table, it is good that he was included. In every family, there's someone that it's hard to get along with. His unfortunate later views shouldn't erase his former work and the good things he did. And if you are gay, and reading this, and don't know who Harry Hay is, and what his later controversies were - shame on you. Take an evening off from the bar and go to the library.

Today was a really good day. I played some old Human League vids this morning while I was getting ready to get me primed to face the day.

That old music is so dear to me. I suppose this is part of getting older. I hear some good music now (not as much, but there is some good music still being made), but I just don't love it the the way I love that tacky old 80's buzzy synthesized pop. I love it the way a kid loves a battered and grimy old teddy bear he has taken everywhere. I suppose that is the same with every generation. The music of your youth remains inspiring to you, not because it was artistically superior, but because it brings back, for a moment, the days when you were young and vigorous, and life held so much to promise and savor. I don't feel that old most of the time yet, but when I stop to think that the music that inspires me is already 20 years old, yes that gives me pause.
But the music still makes me feel good.

The other weird thing about getting older is that the days when I was younger are starting to obtain that golden glow that old folks see when they talk about the "good old days". I was waxing nostalgic about living in Charlotte when I was younger the other day, but then started to remember some other things about that time. Yes, I had some great friends, and I had a lot of fun then. I was cute, and dated, and everyone sane wasn't married in my age group then. But I was also broke all the time and working crap jobs just to scrape by. I didn't have the self assurance built up that I have now, and was still wondering if I'd be able to take care of myself. My self-esteem was zip, and I spent a lot of time miserable over boyfriends who weren't worth it. Things were exciting, but I was also on a dramatic emotional roller-coaster that I am very thankful not to be riding any more. I wonder how long it takes to forget all that stuff. It makes me less unhappy about being where I am now when I remember ALL of what it was like then. That golden glow on the good old days is iron pyrite, folks.

***

My streak of productive days at work continues. It is beginning to worry me because my string of new clients continues to be both nice and responsive. This is just not the way it usually works. It's starting to creep me out, because I'm afraid when the screamer comes in, it's going to be worse. On the other hand, I had a dismal few weeks before this, when my breathing in and out constituted a pissed off complaint, so maybe I'm just getting a little stored karma. I guess it's about time a couple of clients could act like somebody.

I went to the bear dinner tonight, and actually felt like going. It was good to see everyone. There were people there I hadn't seen in quite a while. I was able to joke and laugh, and feel like myself last night, instead of standing outside myself the way I have been for the last month or so. If I survive the holidays, I might be OK. I have always loved Christmas, although last year the holidays were so miserable I have been dreading it this year; but I am hoping now that my usual Christmas spirit will kick in. I may even put the tree up. I have already ducked out of the family Thanksgiving, so I'll have that long weekend to clean up a bit, which makes decorating more stress free. I'll have to think about that.

My dad and step-mom sent me a Thanksgiving card, but I know if I call to thank them, they'll be asking what I'm doing for Thanksgiving to try to get me to come to the big hoorah at my sister's mother-in-law's house, and I really don't want to go. So I've decided to thank them for the card after Thanksgiving.

There is also a big 49 trailer auction the day after Thanksgiving, from 5pm until 2am. I may go to some of that....

I'm just glad I feel like doing anything.

Sweet Justin is coming tomorrow night for movies, and I called my old friend Lee in Charlotte. I'm going to see him Saturday and staying over. By the time I get back on Sunday, there will be too much to do to get ready for the week for me to have time to mope, and next weekend is the long weekend. I'm feeling optimistic and productive. And I had the easiest commute home that I have had in WEEKS.

Well I felt more like myself again today. I have been afraid I'm going to get drowned in depression, but it seems to come in waves. I have a couple of bad days, and then it recedes for a while. I guess I can handle that. I pulled up some old Martika vids on youtube while I was getting ready this morning, and her sassy 80's bangs and huge earrings worked for dramatic renewal of purpose.

Good thing I was up for the day. I had more phone calls today than I have had in the last 2 weeks! Seems like all those new clients wanted to talk to me today. I had to hustle to keep up, but I had one of those days where everything seems to come together, and I'm moving the strings of the universe, bending all to my will. I got a lot of stuff done, and resolved. It was very productive day over all.

Traffic was a nightmare getting home. There was a wreck in Anderson or something and the freeway was just one big parking lot. It takes me about 15 minutes to get to work in the morning. It took me an hour to get home tonight. Sigh. The SCDOT are majorly on my shit list.

South Carlolinians drive like assholes. There is a reason we have some of the highest insurance rates in the country. Any form of precipitation makes the roads close down, as all the rednecks play bumper-cars. For some reason, water coming from the sky makes the people in this state revert to their Neanderthal roots, and they're all making the sign against the evil eye or something besides driving (!), or looking at the road (!). It makes me crazy. Tonight conditions were perfect for driving, I don't know what the issue was. Probably another flipped 18-wheeler. The stretch of 85 between Atlanta and Charlotte is one of the most dangerous pieces of highway in the country. Highway 85, for those of you who don't know this, is the drug artery from Florida to NY in this part of the country. There are also many freight haulers on the roads, drugged to the gills or falling asleep. It' s a volatile mix, and scary as hell. So we regularly have 18-wheelers flying through the air like acrobats. And of course they all have to be on the roads at 5pm, to be the butt-plugs of the road. Sheesh.

My friend Cougar called me last night and talked to me on the way home though. He works near me, and we hit the jam at the same time last night. So the commute wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it was still frustrating.

Have a nice evening, and happy driving!

Well I did go back in to work today. We are getting ready for year end, so it was frantic. I had 11 new clients placed, and usually get around 15 in a whole month. But I managed to get on top of it, caught up with my calls, and got all the new accounts checked in and contacted. It was good to have lots to do, kept me from having time to brood. And the day went by pretty quickly.

I took the left over pound cake in to my friend Christie at work. She just loves my pound cake, and it's always and ego-boost for me to be able to give her something she obviously enjoys so much. That makes me happy.

So I had a good sense of accomplishment when I got home.

Even the struggle to GET home didn't phase me much. I had to go the grocery store to pick up a few things on the way home. I go in this store all the time, and it's a pretty good store, but last night was not the night to go. Some bone-headed manager had decided to kick off the Thanksgiving season with a big "food tasting" thing. So there were 8,000,000 people crammed in to this store, eating free samples and blocking up the aisles. And of course most of these people don't even buy groceries, they were just there for the free food. So parking was like trying to get a space at a Dead concert, and then once you got in there were all these people standing around in the way of the ones trying to SHOP (!), and of course all those tasting booths took up a lot of aisle room too. But the worst part was that they had apparently spend so much time working on this big event that the shelves weren't stocked, and one of the things I fought through that madness to buy wasn't even there. Of course they couldn't have any stock people working during that fiasco (or they were too smart to get out in that madness and were hiding, although I did see one of them talking on his cell with a little plate of samples in his hand, eating). And then I had to fight my way through 3 traffic accidents to get home. Sigh. Some days it's all I can do just to GET home. I can't imagine wanting to go out and do anything afterwards.

Today was a bad day. I didn't go in to work because I didn't feel good, but it was probably depression as much as anything else. I stayed on the sofa all day playing video games on the computer. I didn't even shower.

Russ called me this evening to see if I wanted to go get sushi with them. Although my fridge is packed with leftovers from this weekend, and although I really don't need to spend the money, I went just to get out of the house. I don't think I was very good company. But it was better than sitting here on my own.

Today was a lonely day. I got up and had coffee on the porch with the kitty from next door, who was delighted to have the company and proceeded to gleefully deposit cat hairs all over me. Went to the flea market, but didn't find anything. I bought a bowl for Justin that I thought might be Manhattan (a pattern of Depression Glass he is kind of collecting), but when I got it home and cleaned it up, it wasn't. I don't know if he'll want it or not.

Did some laundry and straightened up the house, and tried to get in touch with Billy and Russ to see if I could go over there this evening, but couldn't reach them.

So I watched some TV and went to bed. Sundays are the worst days, because no one wants to do anything. They're all home with their families/partners after being 0ut Saturday night, and getting ready for the week. Sunday evenings are tough.

Wow! Busy day today. Mostly because I had a hard time getting started. I had Kat, Dana, and Dana's mother Helen for dinner tonight, which I knew I was going to do, but I got caught up, and then had my time frame moved on me.

I called Miss Kat Thursday to vet my menu. Miss Kat doesn't eat a lot of things, and Dana is very particular. Dana doesn't eat most vegetables, and since I don't eat meat, that doesn't leave a lot more to choose from. We settled on potato soup and salad. Sounds scanty, I know, but I was making a hearty homemade baked potato soup with lots of stuff in it, and baking a pound cake too. I have a family recipe for pound cake that I love, and that is always a hit. Miss Helen loves pound cake, and I had been promising to make her one for a while.

I got up Saturday morning and had to go to the flea market to get my potatoes and a few other things (fruit for next week, etc). But "Mr. Skeffington" was on Turner Classic Movies, one of my favorites - but then I like anything with Bette Davis in it. So I turned it on to watch "while I was eating breakfast" and got caught up in it, and then didn't get to the flea market until almost noon. But I got my stuff.

Next I was going to bake my cake, so I could get the potatoes in the oven. But I was out of shortening. And I piddle-farted around the house doing stuff because I didn't want to go to the store. But I finally went and got the stuff and got the cake in the oven. By now it's like 1:30 or so. After doing my best to make that cake fall, and thankfully failing (had the oven set too high, forgot to measure some of my flour and had to guestimate it - sheesh - you'd think I had never made a cake before!), I got my potatoes in the oven.

Then Miss Kat calls and says they want to come over about 4:30 for an early dinner (!!) so we can go to the auction that night. Well needless to say, I had to kick it in to high gear. I straightened up the house while the potatoes were baking, and did get most of the meal made before they got there, but the kitchen was a disaster. I had been thinking they would come 7-8, you know dinner time, so I didn't have any time to clean up the kitchen after I made the soup, and had to do the garlic bread and salad while they were there. But it worked out. The soup was good, and we did have time to go to the auction, where I picked up a couple of presents.

Miss Kat was all worried about the cat next door. It meows and meows while the neighbors are gone, and she thought it was hungry. It did sound pitiful. When I got home from the auction, I cleaned up the kitchen, and heard more meowing. I looked at the window, and the cat had gotten up on the window-sill and was looking in at me, meowing pitifully. Miss Kat had called back to make me promise that I would check on it and make sure it was OK the next day. Well my conscience hurt me, so at 1:30am, I go next door to make sure it has food. There were four bowls of food on the porch. So I went back inside.

Since it was so late anyway, and my chick peas were done, I decided to make hummus, so I made a big batch of that and cleaned up again before I went to bed. It turned out pretty good, but I ran out of garlic, so I couldn't finish it. Making hummus at home is SO much cheaper than buying it, and now that I make my own peas, the consistency is right, but the flavor is still missing something. There is some mystery ingredient that I don't know about yet. But I'm getting closer.